I'll rise like the break of dawn
by DanielaRossi
Summary: Casey can't help but think it was just about time she let it go, as he keeps setting all her nights on fire. Dasey.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own LwD.**

**English is not my first language, so don't be harsh when reviewing guys, please… **

Sam, Declan, Troy and a bunch of other guys raise their fists with incitement. That's for him. It's always been for him. One game won, another next week. Partying with the cheerleaders. Randomly hooking up. That's him. Well, at least that's what has been _defining _him over the last few years.

"Guys look! He's shoving it down! What is it, like, the one fucking hundredth glass?"

He doesn't really recognize whom that came from, but somehow he does manage to swallow down one more drink, one of those you shouldn't be sipping twice if you don't want to end up knocked out on the floor and covered with vomit. But hey, that's part of being Derek Venturi.

"Hun! Honey!"

He tries to ignore the shrieking sound that should be his pet name. Saying that he hates it like hell would be an understatement.

"Derry!" Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse.

"Damn it Der, over here!"

Now that's the girl he loves to fuck. Demanding, hysterically bitchy drama queen Kendra. Oh, she's also head cheerleader. What a cliché, now.

Derek reluctantly turns over to see a fairly mad blondie making her way through the partying crowd, towards the island counter he and his teammates have been drinking the night away at. Through his blurry vision he realizes her lips are crashing over his and he's deepening that whatsoever vodka tasting sort of kiss they're sharing and the guys are screaming to get his attention back.

Pulling back from Kendra's lips, he fiercely says: "So what now, Sam. I won. Again. So gimme your fucking Rolex and let's get this bet over with."

"No way man! Bet you I could drink just the same freaking amount!"

"Ok, enough you sexy pieces of man meat" Kendra abruptly interrupts. "Hun, why don't we go upstairs?" She smiles seductively at him but he can't help but notice how it all just looks plain slutty and there's not really much left to imagination.

"Yeah babe. Just lemme get the condoms first. Must've left 'em in my jacket. Meet me upstairs in five minutes". He storms off not wanting to hear her whining about his bluntness and his friends getting louder and drunker, if that's even possible.

The thing is, he knows better than this. He looks around for a freaking bathroom and eventually finds a small one in the basement. He locks himself in, and grazes his nape with the tips of his fingers while staring at his reflection in the mirror. His hair is messy and sweaty, his eyes a bit red and puffy from the weed he smoked earlier. But what has him worried is the enormous amount of alcoholics he's been taking in less than 20 minutes. He knows he must take it all out before it's too late.

He takes a hold of the sink with one hand, and then senselessly shoves the other down his throat. Within seconds he's vomiting all over the wash basin as the frustration for this tiring party routine subsides.

"What? You developed an eating disorder or something?"

After spitting out the few remains and rapidly washing his face with a dash of ice cold water, he turns over. Somehow, despite the suddenness of it, that voice didn't scare him. It never did.

"Geez, McDonald. Go die of bookwormness elsewhere."

The brunette doesn't seem much offended by his bicker reply. "Nice to see you too, Derek".

"Just why are you here in the first place? I thought I'd never live to see the day you would come to a party like this".

"Believe it or not, Angela wants me to write an article over this crap"

Derek quizzically raises an eyebrow at her, looking puzzled. "And why on earth would the school newspaper editor find any of this so called crap interesting?"

"Go figure. Says it's one of the most important events of the year that could be 'sociologically intriguing', or whatever that means"

"Well, so, shouldn't you be getting to the core of it? I don't think hiding out in a bathroom will give you much material to brag about with Angela".

"Just as much as self-induced vomit will add in to your reputation".

Derek can't help but think how much Casey had always been the one to point out all of his weaknesses. No matter how hard he tried, he could look perfect to anyone but her. It drives him insane to think she actually has a point with that. Bookworm goody goody two shoes keener Casey.

"The thing is, we both know we don't want to stay here, yet here we are. I'm sitting on a toilet and you just puked in a sink – seriously Derek, don't you know it could block up the pipes? Use the toilet next time. Anyways, as I was saying, we…"

"McDonald, I am so not up to hearing your philosophical issues right now. I need to make my head stop spinning without doing the puking thing again and most of all I need condoms. A _lot _of condoms. Do you even know what those are?"

Casey sighs in annoyance. "Look, if you want, I could give you the cap of my pen here. It'd fit your size perfectly."

That's when Derek spots it. A shaving foam spray can. "You went looking for trouble, McDonald."

Before she can process what's happened, white cream is sprayed on her face and hair and she's screaming and throwing towels at him.

Almost without thinking Derek opens the door, so that the crowd outside can see the hilarious sight of the school bookworm covered in this white weird creamy stuff.

That's what those folks have been looking for the whole night. Something to compare themselves to, just to make sure they're the ultimate winners. Duh, as if that was ever questioned. The whole cheerleading team is watching and filming the scene with their mobiles. Among them, Derek clearly sees Kendra throwing the lemon slice that had been on her drink at Casey, making it land on her head.

"Whoa, she really shouldn't be allowed here"

"Bookworm McDonald at a party?"

"This is like the most freaking hilarious thing ever!"

"Triple-D really did a number on her now! He's the man!"

Derek can't help but feel proud for the last comment. He once more gave the crowd some amusement and actually found himself a cover for his bathroom escapade.

But then Casey manages to storm out of the room despite everyone holding her back and calling her names, and he can't help but notice utter humiliation in those bright blue eyes. And so there the nausea goes again.


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N. : Alright, guys,here we go with chapter 2! Thanks so much for reviewing and once again I just wanted to apologize for my bad English! I'm Italian and writing in another language other than mine is just so hard! Thanks for supporting! **

Sometimes he almost believes it.

Sometimes he really thinks he belongs right there, between Kendra's voluptuous thighs. He just can't keep himself from clinging so hard to the flesh of her hips, holding her for dear life as if there was no tomorrow, no home to go back to, no other rules left to break.

They left the party earlier than anyone, as soon as the crowd gathered to witness the latest Klutzilla accident had dwindled, because Derek had started acting all antsy and walked her right to the car.

As he's going down on her, deeply taking in her scent, he just can't help but wonder if there could ever be a way to stop this hell of cheap sex from happening every single time. Arms stretched out forward, he roughly takes a hold of her breasts, vigorously squeezing her nipples, as he lets his tongue run across her moisturized opening. He's definitely more sober than her, yet he's just always so brutal, always biting every inch of her, no matter how hard he tried to promise himself to be gentle this time. She's biting her lower lip, moaning in pleasure, and indeed all that she ever said always got to him as nothing more than inarticulate sounds.

Derek stops sucking at her all of a sudden, causing the blonde to lift her head up from the bed, staring at him in confusion through her blurry vision. "Down." He demands as he props himself up on his elbows, hovering over her and positioning his member at her entrance. Lying back down, Kendra closes her eyes, senselessly digging her nails in his lower back.

But as he's thrusting so hard, pace constantly quickening, Derek knows it's happening again. He's beginning to feel distant once more, as if that heated and sticky body that was fucking that piece of meat so mercilessly was not his.

"Der, please, slow down, it kind of hurts if you keep going like this…"

Instead he ultimately pushes in as hard as he can, all the way deep down, as he lets his semen flow into her.

A few moments later, as Kendra sleepily watches him get dressed up again, he finds himself wishing she wasn't on the pill, that there could actually be a chance that something, _someone, _could be brought into this world after this emotionless mating, even to just make him feel_ love _rather than this defying numbness.

"Why do you have to go, Derry? Honey, c'mon, stay here for the night. It's three in the morning, nobody would be up at your place and you'd only end up waking the folks up… C'mon."

He knows she just doesn't want to be lonely as usual at night. Her parents must be attending another conference or whatever keeps surgeons so busy they let their only daughter be home alone most of the time. He smiles tiredly at her: if only there wasn't so much void within him at this very moment, maybe he would actually take pity on her disastrous family life, and perhaps they'd just lay together hugging and realizing how much shit they both had left rotting on the inside.

"Bye Kendra. See ya."

He must thank some supernatural force since he managed to sneak into the house and get upstairs to his room without waking anybody up. Before closing the door behind him, though, he catches an usual particular with the corner of his eye: the door to her room is open, she's not in.

Someone turns the lights on in the kitchen.

"Oh my gosh, Case, what are you doing?"

Sitting across the floor, she raises her head up from the plastic bag, mouth still covered with cream, all around her a graveyard of food packages all ripped up.

Her lips are quivering, her hands shaking violently. "Derek! No, please! No!" She starts freaking out, trying to wipe her face clean from the traces of vomit with her sleeve and push all the empty snack bags away from her tiny figure.

He kneels down next to her, gently grabbing her shoulders.

_Now you get to feel all this pain, D._

_This is it, hitting the bottom as hard as you can._

"Case, please, calm down. I'll help you clean everything up, ok? Please… stop crying…"

She can feel him gently take her hands into his and she just closes her eyes, glad he's keeping her from pouring her soul out once more.


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N. : Hey guys, so in case anyone was still wondering, yeah, Casey is bulimic. I, myself, have eating disorders too so here's some personal stuff I'm dealing with and can totally relate to, so I definitely know what I'm describing. **

**P.s. = Here in Italy Saturdays are normal school days but I think I recall people saying you don't go to school on Saturdays in America, I hope that's right :D**

The next day is Saturday and Derek sits at the counter unable to finish his milk and cheerios. Nora looks pretty much concerned at how his stepson has got up so early and eyes him suspiciously from across the kitchen, still trying somehow to manage to keep Edwin from eating everything up all by himself.

"Nora, face it: if Casey wanted her pancakes she would've just got downstairs already, wouldn't she?"

"Edwin! You already ate your breakfast _and _half of Marti's, enough for this morning already! And… Derek?"

Derek looks up, his shaggy morning hair casting a shadow over his eyes. "What is it?"

"What did you do to Casey this time? She came home crying from that party last night, thought I had heard her say your name through the tears."

George puts down the newspaper he was reading and intently stares at his son. "Oh c'mon, Derek! What the hell is wrong with you? That girl couldn't be any more sweet and perfect, just why on earth do you have to constantly treat her so bad! I'm so tired and sick of this, you're not a kid anymore, Der, you… "

"Alright, alright, look, I'll go get her. Just get off my case"

As he climbs the stairs, he recalls the events of the previous night. How he scooped her up in his arms from the kitchen floor and carried her upstairs to her room, laid her on the bed and waited with a hand on her forehead until she fell asleep. How he got back downstairs to clean up all the mess - food, packages, bags, vomit – to the point that there was no more trace of it and he was emotionally drained, as he was finally able to go back to his room and collapse onto the bed only a few minutes before dawn.

He wonders how many times she could possibly have already done it, seeing as nobody woke up or had the slightest clue to what occurred only a few hours prior. Something in the back of his head keeps suggesting it was not a one-time break down and the thought of all of that happening on a regular basis at makes him even more sick to his stomach.

As he reaches out for her doorknob, for a split second he actually contemplates the idea of leaving her alone for once and making up an excuse for her absence at breakfast with their parents. But instead he does allow himself into her room, only to find her lying wide awake, yet motionless, on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. Closing the door behind him, Derek knows she's noticed his presence, and cautiously walks over to sit next to her on the ruffled sheets.

"Please, Derek, please, don't say anything. Not to my face, at least."

Her voice comes out as merely a whisper. He shakes his head. "Who says I was going to?"

Casey rolls over to lie on her left side, her back now facing him.

"Alright. I was. It's just that Dad and Nora are getting suspicious about how you haven't showed up for breakfast yet and Edwin is threatening to eat all your pancakes…"

"Enough!" she suddenly yells, sitting up to throw her pillow against her wardrobe. "Just fucking stop… Shit…" she cries out, holding her wrists up to her temples, as if her head was pounding.

"Casey! Hey, c'mon, I'm sorry, it's ok, look at me, please…" He firmly takes a hold of her shoulder with one hand, letting the other cup her cheek, thumb wiping away a few tears. "Look at me, Case, please…"

She raises her gaze up to meet his through her blurry vision. "That's all that's on my head, Derek. Food! Food, food, food! It's anywhere! Anywhere I go… Food! Food, that's the thing, Food! Food is eating me up from the inside, can you believe it? Foo…"

"Hey, hey, please. C'mon, little girl, c'mon, it's alright. Just calm down." He cuts her off with a strong hug.

He's even more surprise to feel her tightening the hug, burying her face in the crook of his neck. He starts to gently stroke her hair as she finally grows quiet.

"Derek…" they break apart from the hug as she sits up again, cross-legged, right in front of him. "Der, trust me... it's got to the point where it's unbearable…"

"How long has this been going on?"

Casey sighs heavily, looking down at her hands, in shame. "I don't really know when it all started, actually. All I know is, I've been perfect my whole life, Der. Really, really perfect. I'm a good person, trust me. I am… I gotta be…"

"Hey, you are. Don't ever think otherwise…" he gently places his forehead upon hers, exhaling deeply.

"When I was a kid, I remember that my Mom used to keep track of how quickly me and Lizzie were growing up. You know, _every_ Thursday morning ever since I could remember, she would take measurements of mine and lizzie's body… like, how tall we were, how much we weighed… One day, I think I was about ten and Lizzie was seven, Mom made a comment about how Lizzie was getting chubbier while I was such a cute, _perfect_ little girl for never putting on any extra weight. I know it wasn't supposed to come out as mean or anything, but that comment really changed my life forever. From that day on, I just knew that no matter what, I had to be perfect. Mom and Dad had been fighting a lot back then, and Mom would always look so sad… seeing her proudly smiling at me that day, implying how perfect I was… Perfect, Derek. Perfect. Do you understand what that _means? _"

He stared thoughtfully at her for what seemed to be a small eternity passing by without anyone to take notice. He took his time to finally _really _have a look at her: she had always been thin, but her pale skin and bluish nails were clear signs she was the furthest from being healthy, as the dark circles beneath her eyes were still slightly visible beneath her make up.

_The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout_ …

"So I turned eleven and started restricting. Food just… didn't appeal to me anymore. It was just a bunch of chemical elements mixed up altogether to create the best illusion ever known to mankind. My Mom was complimenting me for looking so beautiful in my ballet dresses, I was a genius at school and… I almost touched it back then. I was almost, _almost _perfect… it hurt…"

_Down came the rain and washed the spider out_

"Then Dad started to notice something was going on… He and Mom started to fight even more because she just wouldn't admit I had a problem. So Dad started to basically force me to eat, it was so horrible… months of hard dedication and commitment long lost… I really don't know how it started, but I guess I was basically thinking: 'So, he wants me to eat, uh? I'll show him how bad eating can end up to be like' and so I started to binge. I would eat everything, even things I didn't like. It soon became an addiction. I would just eat so much, to the point where my stomach was hurting for being so stretched out… Then I would just wait for the pain and nausea to subside, to start eating again… by that time I had just turned 13."

_Out came the sun and dried up all the rain_

"So obviously I had started to put on weight. A lot of weight, in a very short time. I was getting so fat, Derek. So fat and depressed for letting my Dad ruin all my achievements. One morning I was trying to fit in my pants, when my Mom entered my room and started crying in front of me. Saying how I used to be so perfect and now I was letting everything go down the drain. That was it. It _hit _me, Derek. But I couldn't keep myself from eating, it had become so addictive by then… So I knew that the only way I could live with myself putting that much disgusting stuff inside my body was if I'd take it all out afterwards."

_And the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again!_

"I couldn't keep my parents from splitting up, I couldn't make myself perfect, I could only try to hide that shit I kept doing. Last night was no difference. I'm so sorry you got to see it. I've been so good at hiding everything so far… I'm so sorry Derek… please, please… don't tell…"

Derek gently placed his fingers on her mouth, not letting her finish the sentence. He grazed the outline of her lower lip with his thumb, now noticing how the sides of her mouth were full of small, almost imperceptible lacerations.

_Twinkle, twinkle, little star… _

_How I wonder what you are._

"I'm just shit, Case. I'm serious shit. I'm so sick. So sick of all the pain around me."

_Up above the world so high_

_Like a diamond in the sky._

"I'm so sick of my life, Case. Last night was just proof of what a fucking asshole I am. You know, I wanted to come with you after you left the party. I really did. I hate no less than you do all that stuff. The drinking, the cheap sex, the pretending… All I do is playing, playing charades, you know. You said food eats you up, right? It's a fucking paradox, but believe it or not I know what you mean. I feel as if sex raped me every time, too."

_When the blazing sun is gone,_

___ When he nothing shines upon,_

___ Then you show your little light,_

___ Twinkle, twinkle, all the night._

"Der… I know you're a good person."

"I wish I could've been a good person to you. There have been plenty of nights where I'd just come home so late... I wish I had noticed before. I wish I had hugged you before."

_Then the traveller in the dark,_

___ Thanks you for your tiny spark,_

___ He could not see which way to go,_

___ If you did not twinkle so._

"Sometimes I take pity on you, Derek. If I could still feel something, like, any sort of feelings… I'd hate the way you made yourself come to terms with the kind of life you're leading. How you're ok with it. With being mean, and rude, and just… not human. Sometimes I wish I could hate you, Derek. But then I tell myself that that Derek doesn't really exist. He's just a way you came up with to cope with the fact that you're not perfect either. That's the point, Der. None of us is perfect. Maybe we're all just bad people. And we all just like to hurt, and hurt others too. 'Cause I don't know about you, but no matter how hard I hit the bottom every time, I still can't picture my life without my night rituals. I have sex with food. It's my personal orgy. It's perverted, but I love all of it. I love it so much it aches. My stomach, my head… my whole body aches. So I get to feel it."

_In the dark blue sky you keep,_

___ And often through my curtains peep,_

___ For you never shut your eye,_

___ 'Till the sun is in the sky._

Casey sits there, motionlessly looking at him as she grows quiet. Derek stares back at her, carefully listening to her breathing. But then all of a sudden his vision gets blurry and maybe he's really crying. All he knows is she doesn't say a thing. He's so glad she just keeps breathing.


End file.
